Dear Bob
by Qk
Summary: Spend a day in Kaiba's shoes by reading about his privates thoughts written down in Bob. AU, SetoJoey
1. Page 1

**Dear Diary, I Enjoy Talking to Inanimate Objects**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own YGO. My GOD I'm bored...

**D/N:** I... am... so... impossibly... bored... you... can... not... begin... to... imagine... Anyway, I'm busy writing my 'To Kill a Mockingbird' essay right now, so I've decided the best way to begin is to procrastinate. SO, here's a little... I don't know... something. Featuring Kaiba. Doing whatever it is I've told him to do.

**OooOOOooO**

_Sunday, December 18, 2005 _

Days left to find Mokuba's Present: 7

Days left in therapy: 275

_Current Time:_ 10:35am

Will never refer to you as 'diary' or 'you'. Now called Bob, to avoid any signs of insanity that come from talking to book. One step closer to shutting damn psychiatrist up. Sick of psychiatrist. Must hire hitman for psychiatrist. Psychiatrist must understand thatself agrees with insufferable fool about Egyptian God Cards coming to life and obliterating everything in sight and people trapping other people in separate realm complete rubbish.

Note to self: Must alsofind new means of hiding medication. Psychiatrist has begun checking pockets and cheeks and shoes and hair and ears and nose. Do not want to hide pills in any slightly more creative spots. Fear that he will check there and enjoy it. Psychiatrist sending out looks reserved for two people of opposite genders.

Second note to self: Find out if constant interrogations of relationship status is bad sign.

_Current Time:_12:02pm

Having bad day. Having horrible day. Am completely annoyed with essay. Should not have to do essay. Am running multi-billion dollar company with sufficient ease. Should be proof enough that am genius. Should not have to risk intelligence by getting less than perfect mark for failing to explain poverty in bloody book. Hate book. Book is bad. Must kill author.

_Current Time:_ 12:10pm

Have researched author. Author already dead. Someone beat selfto punch. Too lazy to think up good fun with author's bones. Just as well. Have dealt with enough old spirits in one lifetime, thank you.

Must finish essay. Due tomorrow. Must finish speech. Presenting tomorrow. Hate company. Hate school. Would destroy both if were not heaping in piles of money or full of innocent bystanders. ... Is possible will destroy school anyway. Have enough money from company - which will be spared - to cover it up.

_Current Time:_ 3:02pm

Do intend to start work on essay at some point in time, but find procrastinating much more amusing. Work well under pressure. Enjoy pressure. Would go to bottom of Atlantic Ocean and live there in constant pressure if not for eminent fatality and lack of gills. Have fired three employees to pass time. Upset over this. Normally have fired many more by now. Will make up for it.

_Current Time:_ 3:04am

Is now morning. Should change date to next date, but is still dark so will leave as is. Have fired a new record quota. Half of staff now gone. Will most likely rehire several for fear of being understaffed. Would not like to be understaffed. Means more work. Have enough work, like damn essay. Should begin essay. Must get past thesis. Have written four points which will be added to essay. Should skip tomorrow but damn teacher will not accept after tomorrow and will not accept bribes. Have offered money and cars. Resorted to women and finally men. Was offered detention. Both declined. Tomorrow will send letter offering children of either gender. Back-up letter will have threats. Many threats. Must prepare threats. Could do essay, but threats more fun.

_Monday, December 19, 2005_

Days left to find Mokuba present: 6

Days left in therapy: 274

_Current Time:_ 6:35am

Am now awake and have not completed essay. Not good. Meansmust threaten or skip. Should not skip. Is wrong to skip. Will most likely fake sick. But faking sick would mean risking perfect reputation. Like perfect reputation. One more thing to shove in people's face. But will ruin perfect reputation indefinitely if arrival to school is essay-less. Difficult to decide. Must now brush teeth.

_Current Time:_ 9:47am

Have taken care of essay problem. Have written various jumbles of words and printed. Then taunted mutt. Let mutt rip up essay. Mutt is now burdened with a week long detention and idiot teacher has consented to extra day. Am now quite happy. Should thank mutt, but have common sense. _It_ is beneath me, so puppy gets no thanks. Gets one day free of insults provided he does not act stupid.

Quite sure 'day' will be several minutes long.

_Current Time:_ 11:02am

Am quite happy. Mutt acted stupid. Free to insult mutt for tripping over own feet and falling face first into random, quiet girl's chest. Is quite amusing to see how loud random, quiet girl can yell. And how well she can fight. Mutt now quite bruised and suspended all day tomorrow. Will have relaxing day provided idiot, collar-wearing midget does not attempt to befriendself once more. Will not understandamnot friendly person. Continues to try and befriend me. Did so earlier. Amusing, pointless conversation led to mutt's rash act and consequential susension:

Midget(M): Hello, Kaiba.

Me: Go away.

Dog(D): Durr, Iis dumb and stupid and idiot-like. You not talk to my pally like that.

Me: Be quiet, mutt.

D: Durr, Iis not a dog! You is a dog!

Me: You're stupid.

D: IIS NOT STUPID, KAIBA! GRR!

Me: Here's some homework. Why don't you occupy what little brain cells you have left by tearing it up for me?

D: YOU IS GOING TO PAY! GRR! **/tears up essay/** A-HA! Take that, moneybags!

Me: You're stupid. Get a new insult. At least I use synonyms.

D: GRR!

Am bored of writing down what is quite obviously an inaccurate recap of conversation. Midget spoke more. Dog growled more. Am much more witty than what is written. Came up with very good insults on spot. Have increased spontaneous wittiness dramatically. Have also perfected 'You're a stupid dog' sneer. Spent long hours in front of mirror perfecting it. Is my gift to mutt. Am truly hoping it will dampen his day each time is used. Am quite sick of hearing ridiculously loud laughter coming from gaping, giant hole in middle of dog's face that will not close. Am much more content with having dog fume in silence while trying to think up some comeback.

Am quite annoyed with self. Wrote far too much pertaining to dog.

_Current Time:_ 1:16pm

Have suffered terrible tragedy during French class. Must do oral presentation with mutt. Wrong on so many levels. So many levels. Am far too sexually creative for own good. Will lead self into trouble if not careful. But oh so many good fantasies.

Note to self: Must remember to forget I was ever sober when writing above sentence.

Am now forced to listen to dog's incessant grumbling about pairing and futile attempts to come up with good suggestions. Is quite pathetic. Can barely finish sentences before even _he_ realises he is talking gibberish. Is quite often trying to see what I am typing. Have told him is KaibaCorp related, but he seems to be suspicious. Am surprised he is capable of that. Have diverted him somewhat by giving dog orange. Once again suspicious, but bottomless pit of stomach got better of him. Would have been amusing to have given him poisoned orange, but feel it would have been too obvious.

_Current Time:_ 1:20pm

Is considerably more frustrating working with blonde idiot than first imagined. Should have put up more of a fuss when teacher announced pairing. Suspect have already done as much as possible without suspension, as am lucky to have been able to jump out of seat, (accidentally) flipping over desk, yelling, "Working with that _dog_ will lower my IQ into negative numbers!" and have gotten off scot-free. Still, point remains. Dog will _not_ stop chewing eraser he found on desk. _My_ desk. Found hand reaching over on my side of desk, but decided not to comment on it, opting to continue working on French assignment. Began to hear loud, slobbering sounds. Havefound dog with eraser half in mouth, sucking and chewing on it noisily, despite all the pencil lead remains still on ends. Is distracting, but provides adequate procrastination excuse. Simply cannot work with that much noise.

Have begun to take interest in watching (inconspicuously) dog chew on eraser. Have noted great resemblance to small, yellow terrier or other tiny dog chewing on rubber bone. Seems to have way of removing teeth from eraser with loud _pop_ noise. Surprisingly good control over saliva. Not one drop has drizzled out of mouth. Dog has strange mouth. Can be quite small when closed, but ridiculously large when open. Appreciate mouth far more when is closed. Has far more uses than when is open. Creates silence, peace... about all am able to think of now before going into direction more preferably avoided.

Am quite shocked about direction.

Am now horrified.

Have yanked eraser out of mouth for fear more thoughts will come from Wheeler's constant chewing on it. Suddenly enlightened as to why no salvia escaped dog's mouth. Was all absorbed by eraser. Is quite good substitute for sponge. Have proceeded to drop eraser back onto Wheeler's desk. Has splashed. Am now quite sick.

_Current Time:_ 1:38pm

Am even more horrified at the things that slip out of Wheeler's mouth.

Dog: Hmm... I have to go...

Me: Mmm... Go where? (Damn my curiosity!)

Dog: None of your business.

Me: Then don't bring it up.

Dog: I'll bring up whatever I want to bring up.

Me: Then tell me where you have to go.

Dog: Why would _you_ care?

Me: I'm bored.

Dog: ... If you must know, I have to pee.

Me: ... ... ... ... ... Oh.

Dog: Yup. So, I'm going to get going.

Me: ... Right... Have fun, I guess.

Dog: Always do!

Needless to say, Wheeler is far more than lucky that am only one who heard that. On the other hand, he may not be. Is perfect thing to file away in memory and to bring up again at most inappropriate time. He makes it too easy.

_Current Time:_ 2:15pm

Simply _furious_ at this moment. Absolutely _seething_. Despise that bloody midget and his idiot cheerleader with a new, heated passion. They _told_ on me! Have not had that happen since... ever. Geeks should know by now not to tell on me. Bad things happen. Am even more furious that teacher has punished me by forcing me to hand in essay. Obviously do not have essay, as tricked dog into eating my homework. (Am quite pleased to see that am still quite witty with puns even during periods of unmerciful rage.) Have now received zero. Will kill soon. Will murder teacher. _Murder_. I will have blood! Multitudes of blood! At least now will have something to talk to with psychiatrist other than Duel Monsters. Have begun to suspect that he is on the edge of insanity himself and will be pushed over should I continue with Duel Monsters discussions.

Note to self: Create pointless discussions about the difference between Trap Hole and Fissure. Must get new psychiatrist. Preferably a hot, young thing with no apparent knowledge of what a shirt is...

_Current Time:_ 7:08pm

Am quite proud of self at moment. Have not succeeded in driving psychiatrist over edge, but am quite close. Received vicious snarl to switch the topic to something other than Duel Monsters. Began lengthy discussion on midget's hair. Psychiatrist has developed eye-twitch.

Feel slightly better.

_Tuesday, December 20, 2005_

Days left to get Mokuba that bloody Christmas gift: 5

Days left in therapy: 273

Days left with psychiatrist: To be generous, 3.

_Current Time:_ 8:20am

Am unsure of what to think at moment. Have received most frightful shock. Am forced to reconsider everything ever previously thought of dog, including insulting nickname. Have been approached by mutt. Have had papers drenched in horrible scribbles shoved in face. After quite some time, have finally deciphered scribbles were letters, then words, then French words. Was ashamed to find self gawking at eerily well-written and accurate dialogue with jaw reaching ground. Shame carried further by sudden recognition of shock on face by dog. Am now forced to sit through class listening to him pester me about the facial expression that donned my face for less than three seconds.

Have decided to let him have his small victory. Have thousands more to shoot it down with should he truly get on nerves.

_Current Time:_ 12:55pm

Have just finished lunch. Was satisfied. Am not satisfied with just being satisfied. Lunch should not be satisfactory. Lunch should be _spectacular_, mouth-watering, something to make gourmet chefs quiver in their little hats. What is personal cookpaid for?

Note to self: Fire upon arrival at home.

Am quite amused as well. Midget boy tried to be friends with self again. Was challenged quite abruptly to a 'friendly' duel. Was reluctant to do so. Had a large amount of work to do. Politely declined, only to have hour long 'taunt' fest from - who else? - the dog. Duelled just to shut him up. Failed miserably. Wanted to finish as quickly as possible, so game was thrown. Dog missed that bit, but still managed another long ramble about how inferiorself was to Yugi. Challenged the dog to a duel right after he finished. Mutt suddenly forgot to bring his deck. Decided to bite my tongue and not mention the distinctive outline of a Duel Monsters deck showing through his pant pocket.

Am now quite disgusted with myself once more. What made me look at dog's pants? Must stop writing momentarily and think about something else. Preferably ways to gouge out eyes.

_Current Time:_ 1:23pm

Have reached point of pure frustration. Over past two days, have found self becoming strangely intrigued by the mongrel. Dog is interesting to study. Nasty thief, however. Placed shiny, new eraser in centre of desk. Had barely let go of it before was in mutt's mouth. Have now decided what ideal present for Wheeler is.

Wheeler's sudden eraser fetish has given me a brilliant idea. Sudden urge to test the limits and preferences of fetish have come over me. Am looking quite forward to it.

_Current Time:_ 1:42pm

Have just been offered back the remains of my eraser. Am now quite sick again.

_Current Time: _7:22pm

Have tried new tactic to push psychiatrist over edge. Am now inadvertently clingy. Have made up several interesting phobias, and have let psychiatrist diagnose self with new phobia - LackaMonstaphobia. Am quite pleased with name, since self's suggestion. Felt as though if out of time to get rid of psychiatrist, psychiatrist can get rid of self. Unlikely anyone will accept the arrival of a 'Fear of Being Away From Duel Monsters' phobia with open arms. Will result in termination. Am quite pleased with devious self. Who knewself was so devious?

Have completely humoured psychiatrist with phobia diagnostic. Cannot stop blathering about the terror of being separated from precious pieces of card. Am unsure if is wise decision. Feels like psychiatrist stepped back away from edge. Ah, well. Like mentioned before, if psychiatrist is not destroyed by self directly, psychiatrist will be destroyed by self indirectly.

Note to self: Be at presentation of phobia.

_Current Time:_ 3:10am

Am aware of date, but does not concern self at moment. Have had most alarming dream. Absolutely terrifying. Woke up in cold sweat and shivering, though not quite clear from what. Am unwilling to discuss any further. Just know that that _dog_ was in it.

Note to self: See psychiatrist first thing after school.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Days left to actually go to the store and _look_: 4

Days left in therapy: 272

Days left with psychiatrist: After dream, have decided to extend time period to 8.

_Current Time:_ 7:35am

Am quite tired. Was up all last not trying not to think about dream. Evil, horrid, vivid, graphic dream... Made me sweaty all over. Wait... Nevermind! Must no longer think about dream! Bad dream. Bad, bad, bad, _bad_ dream. Will be forever buried in a deep, dark crevice of my mind that will then be lobotomised the day it can be perfected. Until then, must find way to face Wheeler.

_Current Time:_ 8:34am

Faced Wheeler. Called Wheeler a pathetic excuse for a duellist. Walked away as dog began yelling so loud his voice cracked. Told him to hit puberty and left it at that. Am quite pleased. Dog's anger means dream stays dream. ... I mean, what dream?

_Current Time:_ 11:45am

Have tasted lunch. Is better than yesterday. Cook stayed because Mokuba began crying. Cook lost a lot of money off of paycheck, however. Am quite pleased my tastebuds were avenged. Am also quite pleased she has seasoned chicken so nicely.

_Current Time:_ 11:52am

Am now quite scared. ... What did cook season the chicken with?

Note to self: Fire cook before Mokuba returns home.

_Current Time:_ 10:47am

Wheeler has not begun to fight with me during Science. Is strange, but so long as actions do not interfere with experiment, is not my concern.

_Current Time:_ 1:18pm

Have lined up three different erasers on my desk; A standard pink eraser, Wheeler's usual white eraser, and a pink cat eraser. Am quite eager to see which he chooses. Have terrible difficulty in keeping observations of dog's reactions inconspicuous. Is amusing for some odd reason. French class now has something to offer other than glaring at Wheeler while dog reads textbooks and chews my erasers.

_Current Time:_ 1:21pm

Dog has picked up pink cat eraser. Pink cat closest to dog, which means dog simply dives for the first eraser he can get his hands on. Now has eraser in mouth. Now has a very strange expression on his face. Wheeler has removed the eraser from mouth and is now staring at it. Am finding it even harder than before to not only sneak glances but keep a straight face. Dog actually has preferred flavours of rubber. Has placed eraser back in original place and has selected the white eraser. Is now sloppily chowing down.

Have now specifically decided to give Wheeler white erasers for Christmas present. Formerly thought of collar or leash, but dog seems to enjoy erasers, as dog goes through one each day.

_Current Time:_ 9:26pm

AM ABSOLUTELY READY TO EXPLODE! MUST KILL WITH A VENGEANCE! I HAD THE ABSOLUTE WORST SESSION WITH THAT DAMN PSYCHIATRIST YET:

Idiot Psychiatrist(P): Well, Mr. Kaiba... that was an unusual dream you had.

Me: I know. And it doesn't even make any sense.

P: Well, let's see if we can try and find an answer to this problem, shall we?

Me: Whatever.

P: Right then. How is your demeanour towards this...

Me: Dog.

P: Right. That settles that. How are you towards his friends?

Me: The same as I am to him.

P: Truthfully? You don't squabble with this one just a little more than the rest?

Me: ... I may put him down a bit more harshly...

P: A-a-a-ah...

Me: 'A-a-a-ah...'? What do you mean, 'a-a-a-ah...'?

P: Set-

Me: That's _Mr. Kaiba_ to you.

P: ... Mr. Kaiba, has he ever appeared in any other dreams of yours?

Me: Not that I recall.

P: Alright. Have you... found yourself consciously or spontaneously glancing at him?

Me: Possibly.

P: What do you suppose is the strongest feeling you receive when you're around him?

Me: A sudden urge to kill him or myself.

P: Hmmm... I see...

Me: 'See'? What do you see?

P: It's quite obvious.

Me: Not to me, it isn't.

P: Well... it seems to me... that you lash out... because you care.

Me: ... ... ... ... ... ..._ Excuse me?_

P: Think about it; You push him the hardest, you give him the most attention, you find yourself looking his direction every so often, and I highly doubt you ever feeling a uniquely, powerful emotion - although morbid - around anyone else.

Me: I'm feeling one right _now_.

P: Yes, well, to put it quite simply... I do believe you have a sort of... immature affection for this boy.

Me: ... ... ... ... ... ...

P: And by immature, I simply mean undeveloped. But, yes, that's my conclusion.

Me: ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

P: When you reflect upon your past life, Mr. Kaiba, you've never actually _had_ any crushes on girls when you were younger, have you?

Me: That's because I was submerged by work!

P: Or was it because you simply didn't find any of them attractive?

Me: ... Are you calling... _me..._ _GAY_?

P: Ah... perhaps _homosexual_ is too strong a term for it, and far too definite. As of right now, we could simply call you bise- Where are you going?

Me: To find my hitman!

Am utterly horrified beyond believe, not to mention filled with an unmerciful loathing for that idiot psychiatrist and a kind of quiet loathing for Wheeler. ... Why a _quiet_ loathing? That's far too... affectionate! Alright then. Am filled with an impossibly large desire to smash Joey in the face until he bleeds every last drop of blood in his body, but in order to preserve myinnocence, shall remain quiet and do it in a dark al- _DID I JUST CALL HIM JOEY?.!_

Note to self: Find drill to remove images.

Second note to self: Find hitman for psychiatrist.

**OooOOOooO**

**OOOOO**

**OOOOO**

**D/N:** Hmm... I think I actually might continue this... provided people actually like it, of course. But first, I should get to work on Valentine's Day and Of Dogs and Men. O.D.a.M comes first! (V.D comes second!)


	2. Page 2

**How Do I Deal With This?**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. ... Or Bob. Kaiba owns him.

**D/N:** Wow. I can't believe people actually liked this. o.O Guess I'm continuing this, then! Oh, and a note to all those who read Valentine's Day... Yes, well, generally a 'sorry for the delay' as usual. Hope you all don't hate me too much...

**I Like to Review, Review! He Like to Review, Review! She Like to Review, Review! ... I'm Done:**

**Growing Pain:** :D I'm glad you like it so far! Hopefully I won't disappoint you this chapter.

**E.Tphonehome:** Oh, I can relate to laziness. Trust me. Thanks for reviewing!

**Hazel-Beka:** o.O Note to Self: Avoid painful death. Hopefully I can actually update this quickly and not leave people wait for months on end like I do with O.D.a.M... But what am I saying? The chances of that happening are as likely as God strolling down to the Devil and saying, 'You know, I've grown quite tired of listening to those annoying mortals complain to me about their problems. Go and tempt them, and you can have them all when they die.' But we can dream, can't we?

**Wildace Kelyadry2005:** Hope I spelled that right! Anyway, glad you liked it, and I hope you like this chapter too.

**Kate Ryou:** O.o Yes, master... I have begun writing... Thanks for reviewing... Enjoy the chapter...

**Landi McClellan:** Glad you think it's so good! Thanks for reviewing my story!

**Bluemoon4Sphinx:** :D You think so? Thanks a lot! That means a bundle! Also, since you were the first reviewer, have a random candy cane I found on the ground as a present:D

**OooOOOooO**

_Thursday, December 22, 2005_

Days left to get Mokuba present: 3, and decreasing.

Days left in therapy: 271

Days left with psychiatrist: 271. He made me have a problem, he can damn well fix it!

_Current Time:_ 7:42 am

Will be leaving for school shortly. Have decided to go and keep mouth shut about conversation with psychiatrist around Mokuba. Mokuba far too young to have to bring to psychiatrist. Psychiatrist might end up telling brother that the reason little brother'shair's so long is because he secretly wants to become a girl. Will then have to kill psychiatrist. May have to kill psychiatrist anyway after accusing me of... of _that_. Me and Wheeler. Wheeler and me. I, I should say. Seto Wheeler. Joseph Kaiba. Both quite horrendous. Would erase, but must leave for school. Also far too lazy to find backspace bttuon.

_Current Time:_ 11:48am

Lunch not horrible. Am pleased. Hired new cook and sent old one packing. Mokuba yelled and screamed but cook already gone. New cook quite attractive. And female. Must tell to psychiatrist.

Am not pleased with spontaneous daydream conceived during science class. Have told teacher numerous times not to talk about random crap no one cares about. No one ever spends time trying to figure out how fast car will go on twenty litres of gas with storm with winds of fifty miles per hour. Am even more annoyed with question. Creator must have been passing through border of Canada to United States, because question shifts quite abruptly from Metric to Imperial System. Because of pointlessly stupid question, mind began drifting to places no male should ever have to go...

Anyway, am quite sure Bob would like to know about the dreaded daydream. Simply put, daydreamed about marriage between mutt and self. Mutt was in pink, frilly dress. Was horrified, but amused that dog was in dress and relieved that _dog_ was in dress. Wore fancy tuxedo. Looked quite sexy, if saying so myself. Was horrified by lack of women at wedding. Also, Mokuba was priest. (Psychiatrist will have field day with this.)

On plus side, if life turns out like that, will have distinct pleasure of knowing Mokuba will always stay pure due to Priesthood chastity.

... Wait...

Didn't a bunch of priests go with a bunch of little boys?

... Oh, god... It runs in the family, doesn't it?

Note to Self: Must train to stop any more thoughts on above subject. Will drive self insane. Nothing runs in family because nothing is there to run. Period.

_Current Time:_ 4:48pm

Have rushed to private library to find book on how to check sexuality. Came up with squat. Apparently, previous lack of curiosity has hampered self from getting any books of that nature from store or public library. Am quite doubtful any are in bedroom. Would check Mokuba's bedroom, but would not like to stumble across one. Do not need brother-in-law unless is sister-in-law's brother and s.i.l has married Mokuba.

_Saturday, December 24, 2005_

Days left to buy Mokuba a - _OH CRAP!_

_Current Time:_ 11:37pm

Have just returned from epic battle to purchase Mokuba a last minute gift. Am quite certain that gift with not receive genuinely appreciative reaction, unless Mokuba has suddenly developed liking for pink, swan-toting Skydancers.

Am praying Mokuba has not suddenly developed liking for pink, swan-toting Skydancers.

_Sunday, December 25, 2005_

Days left in Therapy: 270 (I'm off for the holidays.)

_Current Time:_ 9:06pm

Am quite pleased with how well trained Mokuba is. Presented Mokuba with present with satisfactory reaction. Accepting smile, but with slight twitch to show Mokuba was not entirely pleased with present. This is good. This means worst-case scenario avoided for another day.

Am also quite pleased with how practical a shopper Mokuba is. Have received various things for office that have been running out. Felt quite bad for lousy, pink, Harpy Lady Cousin gift.

Am extremely pleased with how well Mokuba can sense opportunities. Have been given a (thankfully indirect, for would not like to start raving at younger brother at how someone of his position and authority should not even _begin_ to try and propose something to his superior, in which case would have had to build ark due to massive, flooding waterworks) proposition to make up for crap gift. Have allowed Mokuba to hold New Year's party in mansion and invite however many and whoever pops into his little, wheedling head.

Am quite loathsome of tendency to walk straight into bad ideas face first. Damn those back-up puppy eyes of his.

_Saturday, December 31, 2005_

Days Left in Therapy: Still 270

Days Left with Brother: 2

_Current Time:_ 8:54pm

Am quite aware of what runs through your inanimate mind, Bob. Will not kill brother intwo days. Am simply speculating that during today and tomorrow, after being surrounded by such an obscene amount of mindless idiots, dear brother will have to be relocated to temporary foster home whileam recuperating from dramatic drop inIQ pointsin an asylum.

Allow me to provide you with a brief listing of all those who have arrived:

Random people I do not know.

Random people I do not care to know, so basically random people I do not know.

Geek midget, geek British boy, geek cheerleaders that tag along, dog.

Mokuba's friends, which make up vast majority.

Other random people.

People who have nothing better to do than to hang out with a bunch of little kids and geeks on New Years. (aka. geeks/other random people/Duke Devlin who's actually not that intolerable, though he still qualifies as 'random person')

People in search of booze. (Have been removed.)

People in search of empty bedrooms. (Have also been removed.)

People in search of booze, empty bedrooms and willing partner. (Mostly removed.)

So what if desperate girls were given extended invitation to stay? Just because am sporting hefty 'genius, multi-billion dollar asshole' reputation does not mean am still not raging, hormonal teen. At any rate, will keep self greatly distracted from dog's presence in my house.

Note to Self: Deliver erasers to dog before forgotten via evolved ability to block said mongrel out of mind.

Additional Note to Self: Never buy dog's present before Mokuba's. Even if meant to be insult.

_Current Time:_ 11:48pm

Speculating that will have to be present at midnight to make Mokuba happy. Very well. Will do it for brother. May as will give dog present now. Dog is alone.

Note to Self: Is not a present. Is a... an insult in cellophane box.

_Cruuent Tim:_ Sumthun to let

Is nto fellin to gud. Hvae druk tooo many btotles. Msut get memroy out of haed. Baaaaaaaaaad ksis. Weel... nto TAHT bad. Was a lttile god. Mmmmm... Urg... am to scik to thnik abuot.

_Sunday, January 1, 2005_

Days Left Until Forced to go Back to Psychiatrist: 4

_Current Time:_ 10:09am

Ow. OW. In case you cannot guess, Bob, am suffering from worst hang-over ever. Screen not helping. Keyboard too loud. Must sleep for little longer and then will force self to remember why, exactly, it was necessary to drink so much last night...

_Current Time:_ 12:27pm

Have consistent nagging feeling that it is not smart to try and remember last night. Am quite sure that any further pursuing will evidently lead to further loathing of tendency to walk face-first into bad ideas. Something about a kiss and... oh god. Ohgodohgodohgod. Has come back now.

DAMN, I HATE MY TENDANCY TO WALK FACE-FIRST INTO BAD IDEAS!.!

_Current Time:_ 2:37pm

Have stopped shrieking long enough to keep Mokuba satisfied thatam planning to stay quiet. Resumed shrieking once pounding on door stopped. Have decided to pass time by... explaining what it was that happened while Mokuba pounds on door in an attempt to check if am being chopped into little pieces.

Simply put, at ten to midnight, something... definitive occurred. Will explain it in usual 'conversation recap' format, as will be much faster.:

Me: Merry Christmas, dog.

Dog: ... What's this?

Me: A Christmas present.

Dog: ... For me?

Me: Yes.

Dog: ... From... you?

Me: Yes.

Dog: Am I going to die when I open it?

Me: ... Dammit, I should've thought of that... But no. Not this time.

Dog: Oh. Well, I didn't get anything for you-

Me: Good. You can't shop for crap.

Dog: -because I didn't know if I was suppose to get people something. And what do you mean I can't shop?

Me: I've seen the things you give your friends. One would think you hate them.

Dog: Hey! Those were _good_ presents!

Me: By your standards, I suppose they were glittering jewels, but in the real world... they were crap.

Dog: You got me a gift but you're _still_ insulting me?

Me: The gift has nothing to do with my attitude towards you.

Dog: ... Yeah... Well... What'd you get me?

Me: It's in your hand. Just open it.

Dog: ... Right. /tears present open in an unnecessary amount of force/ ... Uh...

Me: I'm hoping you'll begin chewing those instead of mine. I'm running out, you know, and it's difficult to get school supplies during the Christmas season.

Dog: I don't chew your erasers!

Me: ...

Dog: ... Okay, so, maybe I do every now and then...

Me: Mm. Try everyday.

Dog: Yeah... sorry. Well, thanks, I guess.

It was about here we started talking about quality of erasers. Since was talking out of ass, was not paying attention. Horrible events that lead up required paying attention to conversation. But since did not, walked face-first into horrible, loathsome, _terrible_ event.

Random People Who Infiltrated _MY_ House and Would Not Leave/insanely loud cheering/

Dog: Yay! It's New Years!

Me: Oh, look at that. No one to kiss.

I think the rest is pretty damn evident...

_Current Time:_ 4:35pm

Have finally decided course of action: Must do whatever necessary to get to bottom of this. _Must_ prove psychiatrist wrong. If it means must go into library and get book, then so be it. Will break into library at night and steal book. (No chance in hell am going inside in broad daylight.)

On up note, have finally realised that dog was drunk. Dog is a very good drunk, since he did not sway all over place or slur words. Obviously quite experienced with the bottle. How is this knowledge revealed, you ask, dear Bob?

... It was a slightly... deep... tongue-filled... thing...

At any rate, taste of booze quite evident.

... Am now quite haunted by those words. Will tackle problem tomorrow while praying dog is bad enough drunk to not know what the hell happened last night. If am lucky,dog will not have remembered, which is good, because past... midnight, have forgotten everything except vivid images of barricading self in room.

_Monday, January 2, 2006_

Days Left Until Return to School: (excluding today) 6

Days Left Until Return to Psychiatrist: 3

_Current Time:_ 12:58pm

Day has barely begun, and already am wishing for it to be over. OVER. OVER AND DONE WITH. THEN BURIED AND FORGOTTEN.

Scrapped library idea. KaibaCorp did not need bad publicity or headlines saying 'President Steals Free Books like the Genius He Is', and still did not want to go in day. So went to internet and looked up stuff. Took quizzes and things like that, then clicked off and went to eat.

THE ONE TIME HAVE NEGLECTED DELETING HISTORY IS THE TIME AM BUSY CHECKING SEXUALITY!.!

Mokuba had apparently stumbled onto the computer and checked it while absent. Then the nosy snoop began poking around. Have spent past twenty minutes trying to persuade Mokuba to remove barrier from bedroom door while blatantly lying about any accusations he throws at me.

Status Report: Ridiculously unsuccessful.

_Current Time:_ 3:37pm

Have come across very disturbing news. Had previously assumed reason Mokuba barricaded self in bedroom - he's still in there, by the way - was because Mokuba checked history and saw quizzes and stuff. Was quite wrong.

First clue to how wrong I was:

Me: Mokuba, will you just come out?

Mokuba: Why didn't you tell me? It'd have been so much easier than finding out _that_ way!

Me: Look, Mokuba... I'm not sure... exactly what it was that you saw on the computer-

Mokuba: THERE'S STUFF ON THE COMPUTER TOO?.!

Have correctly guessed that the presence of the word 'too' insinuates that Mokuba has absolutely no idea as to what was on computer and that it was something else that has traumatised him. Bad, of course, due to the fact that have now directed younger sibling to the attention of something that should not have been known in the first place, but mostly because there is obviously a very large, dark and - most likely - public piece of the puzzle that am still missing but has been glanced at by many, _many_ others.

Above suspicions confirmed by words of brother:

Mokuba: If you were going to make-out with Joey _on the ground_, couldn't you have at least gone into a closet or something that wasn't in the middle of the house where _everyone_ was?

This was followed by a loud thud.

Thud was, of course, self collapsing into a horrified coma.

**OooOOOooO **

**OOOOO**

**OOOOO**

**D/N:** Oh, gravyness... I've got a lot of work ahead of me if I hope to catch up with today's date... Anyway, I'm sorry about the horribly... horribly... _horribly_ long delay. I do hope you'll find it in your massively large hearts to forgive me. Now if you'll excuse me, I must begin work on - _finally!_ - Valentine's Day. Ooooooh, I hope it turns into a big hit around Feb. 14th!


	3. Page 3

**The Media Moves Fast to Bring You News**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh.

**D/N:** Hmm... This has taken an awful long time to get up, hasn't it? Damn you, Neopets! Damn you and your damn role-playing! Stop distracting me! Gah! Anyway, I'm glad to see you're all taking pleasure in dear Kaiba's pain. Keep reading! I've got to go... continue revising Of Dogs and Men. I've done the first chapter. Great. Only fifteen more to go... Also, I believe I have given up any and all hopes of keeping up with today's date. I'm a month behind, and I frankly don't update that fast. :P Let's just call it jetlag.

**Insert Catchy Title to Review Responses Here:**

Goddess of the Madhouse: Bwuahahaha! I've rendered you unable to type with my amazing writing! Always a good compliment. 

Growing Pain: Yeah, there's nothing I like more than bringing a little bag to pure innocents like Mokuba. Thanks for the review! Here, have a cookie!

Anaraz: :D Thanks, 'raz! I appreciate it, as always!

Errant of the Violet Shockers: Y? What 'y'? I don't see a 'y'. Why is there no 'y'? ... Thanks for the review! Sorry, I'm a bit tired today. And hey, you play the trombone? I play the bassoon:D

Otaku Sage of Llamas: Yeah, I might - if I ever decided to end this story, which depends greatly on if I ever update this quickly - follow this thing up with a 'Joey's Diary' thing. Probably 'Dear Tom' or something like that... Anyway, thanks for the review!

Hazel-Beka: Yeah, I know you two would get pleasure outta that! And yeah, even Kaiba isn't capable of 'staying in the closet' after this hits the wide world. Yay! Exposed exposure! The best kind, ain't it? Oh, if you do find a picture of them getting married, be sure to let me know. Bwuahaha, yes! I've been elevated to Baited Breath status!

Kate Ryou: Thanks! I thought so too. Hope you like this chapter!

Landi McClellan: Wow. A penname that actually wasn't underline by those squiggly, 'THOSE AREN'T REAL WORDS, DAMMIT!' lines. Anyway, thanks for the review! Yeah, Kaiba's evil, ain't he?

Lady-Ai 14: o.O _Oh no!_ I've killed someone! I'm actually good enough to kill someone now! ... /**silently cheers at greatness of ego, but mourns death, even though is temporary**/ Thanks a bunch, Yami Ai! Sorry if I took too long to update... I took a _really_ long time to update. O.o Hey, sorry about killing your hikari like that too... hehehe... whoops.

Bluemoon4Sphinx: Man, I take forever to update, don't I? Darn. Anyway, I'm glad you liked it enough to actually press the keys:D Keep readin'!

**OooOOOooO**

_Wednesday, January 4, 2006_

Days Left Until Return to School: 4, but am unsure if willing to show face just yet.

Days Left Until Return to Psychiatrist: Hahaha... Like am going back after _this_.

_Current Time:_ 11:51am

Am now in... well... public eye. Not like wasn't in public eye before, but New Year's actions are now in larger public eye and are being refreshed to those previously too drunk and/or traumatised to remember. Simply put, everyone knows now.

Came down this morning to have breakfast. Was alone, obviously, since did not want to be around damn cook who is now fired just because am dying for someone to fire and because Mokuba is still barricaded in room. Had no idea brother was such homophobe. At least will keep him intent on girls. Not like self, apparently...

Anyway, found first mention of incident in '_Domino Today_', that trashy crap newspaper for the town. Naturally, was on front page. Am just very happy there were no pictures. Cannot deal with pictures right now.

_Current Time:_ 3:24pm

It seems that even though _Domino Today_ has no pictures, _Sizzle Street News_ certainly does. In colour. Damn bastards have _pictures_ in _colour_. How in hell does a paper worse than _Domino Today_ get _pictures_ in _colour_? How? How is that possible? What cruel God decided to make that possible? Is face not sexy enough to be on front page of a relatively good newspaper? If am trashed, can it at least be with style and not followed by an article about if cheating on husband - irony! - with alien still counts as adultery?

Oh, the inhumanity of it all! Of _course_ it counts!

Am sure self has just made a witty pun.

Am also quite doomed, to say the least.

_Current Time:_ 4:23pm

Have just realised that _all_ papers have face on it. Every newspaper in this bloody country has a full-length article about New Year's. Am quite pleased that have merited enough credit to be acknowledged by everything - even a few news shows - but am quite angry with the fact that people cannot _drop_ it. So sexy self made out with the dog on ground. Is it _really_ that big? Does it _really_ merit that large an audience? Does it _really_ require a carnival of media parked on lawn, and who _won't stop trampling on my petunias_?

Yes, I garden! Why is that so surprising? Made out with _dog_ and all anyone can harp on about is how self putters, around playing with flowers? _Shut-up, Bob!_

_Thursday, January 5, 2006_

Days Left Until Return to School: 3

Days Left Until Media Runs Out of Steam: N/A

_Current Time:_ 12:08pm

Alright. Have come to a decision. As long as media is outside waiting for self to leave so self can be bombarded with various attacks on sexuality, they will not leave. Therefore, have decided to just get it over with and walk outside. Will talk to people. Will smile and wave. Will kiss babies if need be.

... Well, have just realised kissing babies might make things worse, so will not do that.

Anyway, will now go and get rid of media circus.

_Current Time:_ 2:28pm

Anytime now.

_Current Time:_ 3:56pm

Alright. Went outside for whole three seconds before running back into house. Has to amount to something, right? They got what they wanted, so they aren't going to stay out there for much longer, right?

_Right?_

For an inanimate object, Bob, you're not very reassuring.

_Friday, January 6, 2006_

Days Until Return to School: Never. Am not going back.

Days Until Media Runs Out of Steam: N/A has only gotten longer.

Is possible will just stay inside house for rest of life. Media now thinks am a coward, and have filled up many hours on the News Networks. It's fine, though. Have life planned out, anyway:

Will make Mokuba run to store to buy groceries for self and will work from home. Will get nice and fat to create excuse of being too blubbery to make it outside. In this way, will not only avoid every person coexisting on planet, media, Wheeler and his little friends, but will also lose any concerns over the tabloids that have been pouring out onto table because will not _really_ be in world where am affected by what they say.

Who knows? May even get unique nickname.

Seto Kaiba - The Fat, Round, Gay, Hermit CEO! How many people can call themselves _that_?

... Is maybe too soon to begin calling self 'gay'.

... Is also maybe too soon to even begin typing word.

Very well. Will now forevermore substitute 'chipper' with previous word. This, however, does _not_ mean am chipper - By chipper, of course, the previous word is meant - but simply... on the verge... somehow... or something. Whatever. May as well be getting used to calling self the previous word to lighten blow when someone else uses it.

I am chipper.

There, that wasn't so hard.

Am well aware purpose has been defeated. Shut up.

_Sunday, January 8, 2006_

Days Until Return to School: Could quite possibly be one.

Days Until Media Runs Out of Steam: ...

_Current Time:_ 5:56pm

It appears as though media-circus is still waiting for an appearance after last time. In fact, they've set up tents and have propped up cameras on tripods.

Damn. Am beginning to loathe being rich and famous.

At any rate, can no longer make trips to psychiatrist, as am being blocked off by various forms of the reporters and technical equipment. Mokuba still won't talk to me, either, but has not further dragged name through mud by staying over at a friend's. Am slightly convinced that is because little brother's reputation is also somewhat tarnished and cannot show face to anyone either. In the end, am completely alone, as have passed time by generally firing most of servants.

Like _they_ weren't put up for interviews seconds later.

It's a strangely discomforting thought, but comforting in the same sense, how thoughts have found ways to continually turn towards the one who started the whole thing - Wheeler. Have been wondering how idiot dog has been coping. Am also wondering whether or not it would be a good idea to communicate with Wheeler in some shape or form.

... Am also wondering if have not 'communicated' with him enough.

Well, seeing as how there is not much hope for today, will simply go to bed. No one judges people there.

_Current Time:_ 8:47pm

Woke up staring at spy camera in corner of room. Have now officially been bugged.

Am sleeping in basement.

_Current Time:_ 8:56pm

Have just remembered that self had installed camera in case anyone had broken into manor and decided to barricade themselves in self's room.

Have gone back to bed.

_Current Time:_ 11:07pm

After a very interesting turn of events, am slightly calmer than before. Woke up to a vicious shaking, more than willing to beat someone in the face. Luckily - and to ward off any social workers - had trained self to wait and check for a moment, just to make sure person wasn't Mokuba explaining that house was on fire.

Was happy for that, because visitor turned out to be none other than Wheeler.

Was not happy that self smelled less than rose-like.

Wheeler didn't seem to mind or seem too uncomfortable. In fact, dog seemed more frazzled (Am quite fond of that word.) by the amount of effort it took to get into house undetected by security cameras, guard dogs, trip wires, trip lasers, alarms, booby traps, cages, pits, dead ends, the media, the ridiculous amount of locks attached to each door, and then the maze that is mansion.

Here at Kaiba Headquarters, we promote safety measures, which, apparently, can be avoided by mongrels.

Anyway, Wheeler and self had a fairly peaceful, very necessary conversation:

Me: _WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE?_

Dog: ... I wanted to talk.

Me: Oh. Alright. About what?

Dog: Uhm... New Year's, I guess. We can start there.

Me: _Start_? How long are you planning on staying?

Dog: A while. We've gotta get some things figured out, Kaiba.

Me: ... You remember what happened that night?

Dog: Yes.

Me: Good. Because I don't.

Dog: Yeah, you were pretty drunk.

Me: And apparently uninhibited, much to my and the media and Mokuba and the rest of the world's surprise.

Dog: Yeah... About that... That's sort of why I came.

Me: Yes, you already said that.

Dog: Oh. Yeah, I did. Well... Alright, basically what I wanted to say was... I'm sorry.

Me: ... Uh... You're forgiven? (Was in a very forgiving mood. Besides, was too happy to see someone that did not feel like beating him out of room.)

Dog: No, no... You don't know what I'm sayin' sorry for.

Me: ... ... Care to tell me?

Dog: Huh? Oh... yeah. Uh... Well, basically... I'm sorry I kissed you.

Me: ... ... ... ... ... ... ... You... kissed _me_... did you?

Dog: Yeah.

Me: ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... Can I ask _why_?

Dog: Well... 'cause you were _cryin'_ on my shoulder! What else was I supposed to do?

Me: Push me _off_! What the hell was I crying for?

Dog: Uh... something about Mokuba havin' to go live with foster parents after you were admitted to an asylum... Something along those lines.

Me: Oh, damn. I remember writing that, too.

Dog: Huh?

Me: Nothing! Nothing, just... Of all the things you could've done... _That_?

Dog: Yeah, well... You sort of... _attached_ yourself to my arm and wouldn't leave me alone.

Me: ... ... ... ... I need stronger medication.

Dog: Mm-hmm... Well, I just thought we oughta clear that up.

Me: Wait! You're just... going to _go_?

Dog: ... Yes.

Me: I have an entire news station parked on my front lawn, my face is in every tabloid in the country, my brother won't talk to me when he gets out of his _barricaded_ room to go to the bathroom, I haven't checked on KaibaCorp this entire time, I'm all alone in this crap house and to top it off, I fired almost all of my servants for something to do! This is all _your_ fault for actually doing listening to me like an obedient idiot!

Dog: ... So... what? You want me to stay?

As of now, Dog is sleeping on ground next to bed. Will have to find spare clothes. Task may not be too difficult, as have not changed out of current clothes for nearly a week.

Note to Self: Despite poor choice of company, it is essential that self must be presented... de-stinkified. Take shower.

_Monday, January 9, 2006_

Hours Until will Have to Call in Sick: 4.

Hours Until will Have Decided that do not Want to Go Back: 4.0000000000000000000001. Case closed. 

_Current Time:_ 3:04am

Have woken several minutes ago after outfitting you, dear Bob, with various passwords and security measures. The last thing needed is for Dog to start rummaging through computer and stumble upon self's personal thoughts.

The Dog in question (Gave Dog a nice capital 'D'. Am too generous.) is currently lying spread-eagle on back, with half of blanket kicked off. To further elaborate on situation, Dog got ready for bed by removing pants and shirt - in a totally _non-stripping_ way. Therefore, am currently sharing room with a Dog lying spread-eagle on his back, shirtless and pantless, fat mouth hanging open and cascades of drool oozing out of it and onto precious carpet, which probably costs more than his childhood.

Am pleased with fact that am _not_, in fact, turned on in any sense by image. (At least not consciously.)

Am wondering just how desperate a situation self was in on New Year's - and how drunk - to have clung onto... _that_.

Am also wondering whether or not to cut out that piece of carpet and set it on fire, as will never be able to step on that piece of fabric ever again.

At any rate, have decided against getting up and taking a shower. While am perfectly aware that sound of Dog's snoring plus thickness of bathroom walls will block out any sound, do not need Dog waking up in morning to find that have gotten considerably cleaner from time of arrival to time of awakening. Second last thing needed is Dog becoming flattered at 'effort in hygiene' during his presence.

... However, do not want to smell worse than him, and considering how hard a task that is, am growing increasingly concerned.

Well, Dog doesn't smell _that_ bad.

Those were probably the thoughts that got self into this situation in first place.

Well, am simply too indifferent towards the whole decision to make any real choice. Besides, bed is comfy. Comfy bed. I like bed. Chances of marrying bed would be unaccountably high if not for the fact that marriages between supposedly chipper CEO's and inanimate objects are frowned upon in most churches, as most supposedly chipper CEO's and inanimate objects would be unable to procreate like marriages are supposed to accomplish.

We could always try. Am quite sure self would not mind. Bed... is inanimate, so that's a go-ahead as well.

Besides, chances of meeting some lovely princess while barricading self in room (So, _that's_ where he learned it from... ) are slim to none, so may end up marrying bed anyway. Dog, as he will have no one to love him unless Mokuba decides to join us - God help us all - will undoubtedly be the one to marry us. So, I will have bed, bed will have me, Joey will have no one factoring in my reaction to Mokuba's 'coming out', which will be a negative one as we do not need two chipper people carrying on the Kaiba name, and we will live in my bedroom and all grow fat together and maybe even start a house band using instruments lying on my desk and sending the music out through the windows.

Am well aware that a slightly more approved relationship would be one with Dog and self, but he'll be so busy marrying people and being a hermit and playing the desk-drums and substituting as bedroom pet that there will be no time for a relationship.

Am also well aware that am deliriously tired, which is the main cause of my temporary insanity. Or maybe that New Year's party's just kicking in.

Hey, come to think of it, if self were to marry bed, the only real way we'd be together is if self were to lie in the bed at all times, therefore I would be _in_ the bed at all times. Eww... Yes, and when bed decides to get mad, bed will give out sores and I will have to sleep on ground since there is no couch in bedroom.

Am going to sleep.

**OooOOOooO**

**OOOOO**

**OOOOO**

**D/N:** I'm _soooo_ sorry, everyone. I've been really distracted with other things lately, like pointless projects - Oh, God... I forgot to hand the one that was due last Monday in... - and other random events. But here it is! Here at last! Finally posted and ready! Now I have to get back to writing the next chapter of J.t.N.Q.K.L.o.D and editing O.D.a.M. Maybe I'll even get that V-Day chapter unblocked and posted. That'd be a nice idea...


End file.
